My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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