can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
