i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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