totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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