Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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