I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
