I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
