Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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