Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
