I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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