You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
