I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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