Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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