I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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