tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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