Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
