I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
