I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
