Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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