Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
