wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
