My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
