Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
