Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize