the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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