You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
