I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
