ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
