Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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