12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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