Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
