He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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