That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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