your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
