How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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