textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
