Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
