Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize