i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize