Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
