i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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