I think i peed on brittanys purse
It was confusing and full of hummus
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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