Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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