I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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