i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
