dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
