All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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