i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
