He uses pillows to masturbate.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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