I feel like abortions should bother me more
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
