He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
