***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will pee on everything he values.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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