I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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