you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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