I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
