careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We had sex on a dog bed..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
