I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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