I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
