my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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