You really coming over, don't trick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
