i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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