Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
